Added: Evangelia Charron - Date: 19.01.2022 08:03 - Views: 47503 - Clicks: 1992
Is the quest for the knight in shining armour archetype simply a desire to be seen? And what does the one who plays the knight seek in this exchange?
Reflections from a not so ordinary damsel — By Moze. Last year I discovered a slightly alarming blind spot.
I am always on the hunt for these hidden truths about myself. This basically translated into my relationships as an unspoken if not unknown desire to be rescued from myself and my life. Apparently, I was not so much about stepping in beside someone, as I was more about stepping into the arms of my rescuer.
Female needing knight in shinning armour was single at the time of this insight and knew it was an important discovery for my future relationships. It gave me a new clarity in how I would enter them and what I would call into them. This new predilection to being a damsel in distress was not from childhood. I did not grow up as of Disney. I grew up as a hardworking farm girl. Equal to the men and boys in expectations of physical strength and capacity. I had enough Protestant work ethic to sustain the growth and harvesting of resources to feed and clothe a small family for at least three years.
Perhaps in the softening of my heart and growing the capacity to ask for help I got a little too enraptured with asking for help and that grew into a seed of desire to be rescued. I was talking with a dear and infrequent friend a few weeks ago about this. He was bemoaning his latest love affair that was seeking him to adorn his armour and ride on to the rescue and from the sounds of it, it was rescue requiring trumpets and fanfare.
He spoke with clarity about his desire for equality in a partnership, where both adults step in beside each other. It struck me that he and other men I know have a long history of women who desire or perhaps even need, even if unasked for… rescue.
I suggested that perhaps it is you who wants to rescue, otherwise why would you be attracted to women who want to be rescued? When I sat with this idea, I thought about all the men I am close to or have been attracted to in my life and saw a similar trend — attraction to rescuing. He was also honest enough to admit that if he rescues someone, the chances of her leaving him are reduced, although they inevitably do.
Knight and damsel relationships are inevitably filled with disappointment for the rescued and the rescuer.
There is no equality here. No stepping in beside, where you are both doing your work, apart and together to support and love one another. Instead, power imbalance comes with rescuing and yearning to be rescued, not a co-created relationship. As the damsel was not my predominate archetype, I suspect the knight fantasy is the result of relationships where I felt at times invisible and longed to be seen. To be intimately and completely seen and held, witnessed and loved in my vulnerability and authenticity.
With the clarity of my blind spot, what do I seek now? I seek to be my own knight in shining armour…and I recognise that to be my own knight I need to ultimately love myself. I will do what I always do well and that is take care of shit. I am however learning to do this in different ways so that I am no longer impervious to asking for and receiving help.
A friend offered to help with house jobs and instead of saying no, I suggested he could help me oil the deck. Another friend said he had dreamt of cleaning my fans they are filthy so I said I can make dreams come true and told him where to find the cleaning rags. Although I no longer seek a knight in shining armour, I will allow myself to be seen and vulnerable and if someone offers help, I take it and if someone offers critique I invite them to stand down or step up. I now seek a lover who steps in beside me as equals, where we co-create the terms of our relationship, constantly renegotiate our truths and depths and most importantly I seek someone doing their work.
Edited Oct I have unexpectedly become a believer in the forever myth…the right person does not even have to try to sway your mind and I am still practicing being my own knight in shining armour. Practicing being my best self through the practice of love.
Moze Musings Follow. Relationships Heroes Feminism Love Self-awareness. Written by Moze Musings Follow. More From Medium. Living With a Co-Dependent Personality. Heather El Ghazal Maxey. Emma Wolno. Stewart Irvine. How I Remember You. Lucy Hernandez. Elisabeth Rossman in No Apologies. Surrogacy, the Promised Land. Kenneth Smithee. Gina Finstad.Female needing knight in shinning armour
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I Am My Own Knight in Shining Armour