Added: Joas Manseau - Date: 14.01.2022 23:33 - Views: 17638 - Clicks: 3717
in. Lately I have been thinking a lot about the nature of intimacy. The more I reflect on the nature of intimacy, the more I think of it as a necessary ingredient to authentic living. And, for reasons I will soon explain, I am also coming around to the view that intimacy is a key precondition for love of all kinds. What is intimacy? Being intimate requires a person to 1 share the actual texture and shape of his or her inner life, including his or her unique joys, quirks and vulnerabilities 2 while simultaneously taking steps to help the other person do the same.
Intimacy, then, is dee p ly reciprocal ; you cannot open up to another person without providing an opportunity for that person to open up to you. For example, if you share your of hood trauma, you are in turn inviting the other person into a space where she will naturally feel more comfortable opening up to you. I also believe that the reciprocal nature of true intimacy engenders empathy. For example, if I tell you about something that makes me feel extremely vulnerable, I am much more likely to understand your reluctance to share a painful experience.
By stepping into a space of vulnerability myself I am in a particularly good position to appreciate why doing the same might be incredibly challenging for you.
If you talk to a traditionally trained Western psychologist, he will probably say that we avoid intimacy because we are in the throes of fear — that we are scared of becoming closer to Just want love and honesty people. This is a flimsy, superficial answer. In the Bay Area, where I currently live, a lot of people deliberately avoid intimacy in order to avoid showing their true selves to others. Let me say that again to make sure it is crystal clear:. A lot of people deliberately avoid intimacy in order to avoid showing their true selves to others.
Wait, what? People avoid being intimate — something that we all agree is positive and good — in order to hide who they really are from others? Why would someone want to hide who he really is? Yet by presenting himself as a clever-but-respsectable businessman, Madoff was able to secure the trust of very wealthy folks. Now, there are a great many ways to hide who you really are. In fact, some quite devious folks adopt a very different strategy than Madoff. I call these bottom feeders Open Manipulators. Open Manipulators are dangerous because they appear to be honest and transparent. But such a person is anything but honest or transparent.
By boldly asking for something that violates the autonomy or long-term self-interests of the other person, the Open Manipulator is actually hiding his or her true character. Similar to the Madoff case, the perpetrator here is masking the fact that his motivations are wholly self-centered and narcissistic, even while he prances about as if he were more virtuous, honest and open than everyone else. The Open Manipulator always has a willing coterie of enthusiastic supporters, a phenomenon which never ceases to horrify me when I see it with my own eyes.
Though the Madoffs and the Open Manipulators use radically different tactics, both are remorselessly destructive. They attack their victims with a cold, serpentine commitment to causing as much damage as possible. The Difference Between Truth and Honesty In the subsection, Just want love and honesty showed that manipulators come in different flavors.
The Madoffs of the world hide their intentions while Open Manipulators share them. The distinction between these two types of manipulators forces us to notice something incredibly important: Truth and honesty are not the same thing. Allow me to explain why this is the case. The Open Manipulator offers truth to the victim but is not actually honest with the victim.
We can see this because the fundamental objective of the Open Manipulator is to serve his or her own needs even if doing so destroys the victim. That fundamental objective is never shared with the victim because the Open Manipulator is never going to be honest with the victim. What are those background conditions? Open Manipulators think of themselves as having unique entitlements.
But this is the modus operandi of the Open Manipulator, apparent to all who watch their behavior closely. An Open Manipulator will go to great lengths to i take more than he or she is entitled to ii by presenting his or her attitude of radical entitlement as a form of virtue.
If you need a vivid example of this behavioral pattern in action, consider the following hypothetical example. A young female entrepreneur is seeking funding for her startup. An investor offers to invest in her company but on one condition: She must provide sexual favors to him. Now, the investor in this imagined scenario is often married, but he need not be. He could simply be imposing this condition on the female entrepreneurs that pitch their ideas to him. Whatever the case may be, such investors typically have a very polished, pro-social public persona.
They use their public personas to create a perception of virtue that can be leveraged whenever sexual harassment complaints are raised by female entrepreneurs. In fact, I invite the gentle reader to think of these serial predators as follows: Whenever victims come forward, Open Manipulators hide behind their pro-social roles as facilitators of innovation and technological progress, and in so doing they are able to abuse individuals through pretending to work for the greater good.
In this way, radical entitlement is repackaged as virtue. The victim is simply a tool, an instrument to be used and then discarded. Cultivating an Environment Where Intimacy Can Flourish In my experience in the Bay Area, people are becoming increasingly terrified of being intimate with others. There are many contributing factors, but the biggest single cause is this: Open Manipulators are hurting other people without having to face any serious consequences for doing so.
I want to be crystal clear on where I stand on these people: They have no place in a stable, well-organized society. They prey on the fears and vulnerabilities of their victims, using legitimate human needs — like the need for physical contact and healthy companionship — as leverage to get what they want.
If you want to live in a society where people can be truly intimate with one another, a society where empathy, kindness and love abound, then I ask you to me in doing three simple things. Firstdo everything in your power to help victims of Open Manipulators. Try to see the world from their eyes, keeping in mind that victims often have traumas you cannot fully appreciate, unseen pains that have made them uniquely vulnerable to Open Manipulators. Open your arms and your heart to victims so that they will know that they matter, that they are valuable and loved.
Seconddo everything in your power to stop Open Manipulators from plying their trade. Tell potential victims about how these people operate. Aiming for Intimacy I encourage everyone reading this to take a firm stand against the Open Manipulators of the world. Human beings are beautiful Just want love and honesty also fragile. The physiology of love is no barter. Love is simultaneous mutual recognition, wherein each person meets the needs of the other, because neither can provide for his own.
Each takes perpetual care of the other, and, within concurrent reciprocity, both thrive. Because truly healthy relationships are mutual, partners share a single fate: no action benefits one and harms the other. The hard bargainer, who thinks he can win by convincing his partner to meet his needs while circumventing hers, is doomed.
To everyone who made it this far, I truly thank you for bearing with me. Get started. Open in app. John Eden. in Get started. Get started Open in app. Intimacy, Honesty and Love. More from John Eden Follow. More From Medium.
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